September 03, 2004

immature

Today there is a meeting taking place at work and I’m not a part of it. I am however, the waitress to it and couldn’t be happier about that. Isn’t that weird? Shouldn’t I be more concerned with the fact that I should be involved in the meeting and the decisions instead of gleefully fetching coffee and bringing in lunch? Or should I just be happy that that makes me happy?
I’ve had years of jobs with huge amounts of responsibility. And now I adore the fact that these simple things can be my newfound sense of purpose. But I already see the aspects of this job that are becoming more and more complicated and more and more demanding and it alarms me.
I don’t want to grow up. I hate the fact that I’m thirty and not because it makes me old, which it does, but because it’s the sign post of my generation. By thirty you should have certain things, all of which I don’t have and more importantly, don’t want. By thirty you should have a car, a home, a husband, a child, a job where you don’t fetch coffee. Basically you should have a grown-up adult life.
Now I know that that is not the life that I chose for myself. I know that that is not the life I want; yet why do I still feel inadequate?
I wonder at what age do you feel like an adult? When meeting new people, especially in a work related setting, I always feel like someone’s kid on Bring your Daughter to Work Day. It probably doesn’t help that I’m on my fourth job in a year. When you are new to a job and don’t know all the answers, it’s easier to feel immature.
Maybe by the time I’m forty…




5 Comments:

Blogger Cuspajz said...

dear becca.. I know what you're talking about.. But let me tell you something, as long as you have that feeling "I don't wanna grow up", you know how to be happy. I don't wanna grow up either. It feels great to be a child in your heart, cause children laugh to a simple things.. they don't need much to be happy.
Greetings from Croatia

7:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey kiddo ya have to grow old but you don't have to grow up, look at me your uncle, I am a forty something year old boy with a twenty something year old girlfriend.
Don't feel bad I don't want to grow up either.
In fact I still don't know what it is that I want to be when I do grow up. That may well be the key to life.
Be well and know that you are loved.
All for now,

Love Tim

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think we all feel that way though. I'm 31, have the cars, have the wife, just bought the house, have two dogs (basset hounds, which effin rule), I don't bring anyone coffee and I hope my job lasts past Christmas (technology companies really suck by laying people off around Christmas), but still... I remember being a kid and thinking my parents (then in their 30's) had it all together, had it all figured out. They were my rock and I knew that when I got to be there, I'd feel like that rock too.

I remember being in my early 20's having a crap job, wanting so much and looking at people who were in there 30's. They were maybe a little more 'settled' than I wanted to be at that time, but I felt secure that that inner peace would come to me too someday in a few years.

Now here I am. I think I'm doing what I want. I make more than I ever thought I would. I also owe more than I ever thought I would. I am "the grown-up" with the responsibilities of supporting my wife, supporting my house, supporting all the 'things' I've amassed. Yet, there are so many days when I'd like to blow of my job and shoot photography. So many days where I wish I could travel to Costa Rica... or even New Hampshire a few hours away. Sometimes I wish my job wasn't so "important" that if I lose it, I'll be devastated.

I remember being 20-something again. When I smoked because I was stupid, and I drank too much because I thought I'd meet chicks at the bar (well, I did meet a few that way). My music was soooo important to me. I had nothing, lived in a pad with two other people... not counting the 20+ people each weekend when the party rolled over from one day to the next. I made less that 1/4 of what I make now. My car exploded (literally). But somehow, I was so happy. Dining out was an extravagance. Hell - everything was an extravagance. But still, I was happy.

Good for you if you can travel light. Being happy is sometimes more important than being "grown up".

Houser

7:10 AM  
Blogger blackdaisies said...

hmmmm ... its a grass always greener scenario I suppose ... I have the job, I have the kid, I have the partner and the responsibilities but I never feel like an adult and when I donn my business suits I have to put my hair in pigtails or I don't feel like me. I always feel like a kid playing dress up and I look forward to the day when my son goes merrily off to university or whatever to start his life because that is when I start over, get rid of the stuff and travel and abandon the grown up scenario ... yup looking forward to the forties :) I hope that I never 'grow up' because I always want new learnings, new experiences and new growth and being all growed up suggests otherwise ;-)

3:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! I am a 33 year old mom of two of the greatest kids in the world. I have the house (in the same town I've lived in since I was 6),the cars, the husban, who is as wonderful as my kids, but I can't help but be envious of you and your life! You have the ability to go anywhere, do anything and meet anyone. Enjoy! I am hoping my kids will be like you and go see the world, to experience life and all it has to offer. You are a wonderful influence for them!

Love T

2:20 PM  

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